Forum.RttP{Biggest shit you ever took}

You take many dumps in your life. Hopefully, one a day, for good health. But some you remember even if you try to forget. And for all of us, there will unconsciously be a recollection of the biggest amount of poo you squeezed out at a time.

For me, it was this. I was driving around Texas, visiting friends, which means eating a lot at a lot of restaurants. And drinking a ton of coffee, and smoking cigarettes. I didn't think much about "when was my last dump?" because too much other stuff was going on.

Finally, I was in San Marcos, TX. As you probably don't know, this is a small college town near the wasteland of Austin. A friend of mine and I stayed up all night talking and partying, then met the dawn with a fresh pot of coffee. At that point we were starving so went to Auntie's for some migas. And then, in a moment of brilliance, he said, "Let's take a walk."

We made it about a mile, chucking stones in the river, and so on, until I realized I was sweating. Cold sweat. And I was tense. Oh no.

"Holy crap, dude, I need to find a toilet, or this is going to be the brown brick road," I told him.

"There's a restaurant right around the bend. Can you make it?"

< clench buttocks > "Sure."

We go up the street, around a turn, and there in the trees right next to the river, is a Joe's Crab Shack.

I don't know if you're familiar with this abomination, but Joe's Crab Shack is known for overpriced food and drink for silly people who need an excuse to drink at a restaurant. So in I go.

"Good day, sir, how many in your party?" asked the dude behind the counter.

I was at a loss. I did not want to reveal the details of my true mission.

"Can I see a menu?" I said. And then, god bless them, two old ladies came in and started fussing and he had to spend time taking care of them.

I sneaked carefully back to the bar area, where the toilet was, and literally dove in tearing off my pants.

The orange, brown, green and grey snake that uncoiled from me was the filthiest horror I can imagine. The lights cracked with the stench and the toilet paper fled my hand. But ten minutes later, the deed was done and I, much lighter and thinner, was preparing to make my escape. But it was morning and so any escape would be obvious... I pondered it, and hit flush.

As I stood there, I became aware that the gurgling sound from the toilet was not the healthiest... in fact, it sounded like something had gone Terribly Wrong. I raced to the door, and it swung open at me.

Luckily, I had been standing ready to open it, so I was slightly behind it. I slid into the triangle of space between door and wall and watched as a stocky dude with a mop ambled past. He heard the gurgling, and opened the stall door. "Holy crap," he said, just as the first water hit the floor. I sprinted out the door, handed the menu to the dude at the front desk, and fled.

As I left San Marcos later that afternoon, I was amused to see a AAA Plumbing truck outside the restaurant -- now permanently nicknamed "Joe's Crap Shack," which does no injustice to the food.