FUCK OBAMA AND MCCAIN !!!!
Campaign 2008
Howdy America!
For everyone here in and across America who's ever been shit on, fucked over and generally kicked in the balls but refused to be knocked out, and for everyone who's cracked their fucking skull open but stood right back up, and for everyone who works hard and never gives up, I am the motherfucker you need.
You know what they say, "if it moves suck it" and so goes the nation.
Well, this nation's coming back motherfucker, and so is this campaign.
The people of America have said it fucking loud and fucking clear: I'm going on, I'm going strong, and I'm going all the way to your Grandma's pussy.
I know you assholes that know how to pick a president will pick me. And no candidate in recent history, Democrat or Republican, has the guts, looks and donkey balls to run the White House like I do. You all know that if we want a Democratic president, we need a Democratic nominee who can win the battleground states. And that is what I'm gonna do. So what, I've lost Florida, Nevada, New Mexico, Arizona, Michigan, New Hampshire, Arkansas, California, New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Oklahoma, Tennessee and some other stupid state I forgot… oh yeah, Rhode Island. I wanna thank all my friends and supporters there, the rest can go fuck a drunk monkey with a sandpaper baseball bat.
This is a great country, but we all know that these are challenging times. We have a war abroad... um, I mean two or maybe three. We have a recession looming here at home… whatever that means. Voters faced a critical question - who is tested and ready to be Commander-in-Chief on day one? (Although if you call at 3 am I'll break your face. I need my fucking sleep.) And who knows how to turn our economy around, because we sure do need it. Is it Captain Spaulding? God damn right it is!
More and more people have joined this campaign and are watching this historic campaign, and they want their turn to help make history with me. They want their voices to count somewhat. And they should. I guess? So please, join us in this campaign. This is your campaign, well really it's mine, but you can think it's yours if you like.
For more than a year, I've been listening to the whining voices of people across our country. The single hot mom who told me she works two stripping jobs; neither provides health care for her kids. She just can't work any harder (I could get her to work harder, but that's another point). The little naughty girl who asked how I helped people without homes - turns out her family was about to lose their cardboard box. I told her she could live with me. I'll take it out in trade.
Americans don't need more bullshit promises. They've heard plenty of long boring speeches by fruity nerds with bad hair. They deserve solutions and they deserve them now! America needs a president who's ready to lead, ready to stand up and slap a fucking ho for what's right even when it's hard. And after seven long years of George W. Bush, we sure are ready for a president who will be a fighter, a doer and a champion for the American people again.
Protecting America is the first and most urgent duty of the president. When there's a crisis and that phone rings at 3:00 a.m. in the White House, there's no time for speeches or on-the-job training. You have to be ready to make a decision, but again I stress do not call after 10 pm. You will only get the machine.
Tonight I say keep on watching me. Together, we're going to make fucking history. To those little girls, I say this is America, and we do believe you can be anything you want to be, and we want our sons and our daughters to dream big. Even if their dreams will never, ever come true.
I have big dreams for America's future and some of it's in my pants ha, ha, ha . The question is not whether we can fulfill those delusions… I mean dreams; it's whether we will. And here's our answer: yes, we will eventually. We will do what it takes, and we will once again make the kind of progress that America deserves. We're going to protect our country and preserve our constitution. We're going to lead with our bloody knuckles. We will reach out to those on the margins and in the shadows because that's what we do in America and make sure they stay there. We break barriers, we open doors, we make sure every voice is heard as long as they agree with me. Together, we will turn action into promises, solutions into words, and reality into hope.
It will take leadership, hard work and tons of cash, but we've never been short on either... especially cash. So I hope all of you will join, join with the Spaulding nation who voices and votes have been heard today. Together, we will seize this moment, lift this nation, and slap the world in it's big fat ass.
Fuck you all and God bless you.
Captain J.T. Spaulding
