> For those of you who slept through World History 101 here
> is a condensed
> version.
>
> Humans originally existed as members of small bands of
> nomadic
> hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains
> during the summer and
> would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
> winter.
>
> The two most important events in all of history were:
>
> 1. Th e invention of beer, and
> 2. The invention of the wheel.
>
> The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer
> to the man.
>
> These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization
> and together were
> the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
> distinct subgroups:
>
> 1. Liberals
> 2. Conservatives.
>
> Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was
> the beginning of
> agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
> invented yet, so
> while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them
> to be invented,
> they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
> villages were formed.
>
> Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to
> BBQ at night while
> they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
> known as the
> Conservative movement.
>
> Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
> learned to live off
> the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's
> and doing the sewing,
> fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
> Liberal movement.
>
> Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
> The rest became
> known as girlie-men.
>
> Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
> domestication of cats, the
> invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of
> the Hollywood
> actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how
> to divide all the
> meat and beer that conservatives provided.
>
> Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the
> largest, most
> powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
> symbolized by the
> jackass.
>
> Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but
> most prefer white
> wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like
> their beef well
> done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
> fare. Another
> interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have
> higher
> testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
> personal injury
> attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
> therapists are
> liberals.
>
> Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and
> still provide for
> their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
> cowboys, firemen,
> lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police
> officers,
> corporate executives, athletes, golfers, and generally
> anyone who works
> productively. Conservatives who own companies hir e other
> conservatives who
> want to work for a living.
>
> Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
> producers and
> decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe
> Europeans are more
> enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
> liberals remained in
> Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They
> crept in after the
> Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get
> more for
> nothing.
>
> Here ends today's lesson in world history.

Wassa mattah you? Can't read?

Cowboy and Indian politics are childishly endearing.

They've got the beer = civilization part right, though.