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Infamous Boston hardcore group, Blood for Blood, has agreed to play a benefit show at the United First Parish Church in Quincy Center in order to help pay the medical costs for those injured at the last Blood for Blood benefit show, which took place at the Lincoln-Hancock gymnasium. The show will take place next Saturday and is expected to raise at least half of the reputed $200,000 in hospital bills amassed by the thirty people severely injured at their last show. Mayor Koch, the city's self-proclaimed “white Michael Keaton," has publicly stated that his office will match the cash raised by the benefit in an act of charity, and, more appropriately, to avoid lawsuits that are rumored to be building from the families of the victims.

"It was the only logical way we could see to raise the money we needed," said Joe Schlopp, former assistant to the mayor's assistant, recently promoted to manage the soon-to-be weekly "This is Quincy, Not LA" hardcore festival. "There were a lot of people hurt at that last show, but, with a little bit of luck, the money we raise at this next show will be enough to even things out a bit. Blood for Blood is a great band, and we would hate to have to stop booking them for shows like this. What would we do without Blood for Blood, book a Brando reunion show? Maybe it's just me, but that doesn't sound like a show that would bring in much money."

Those who were in attendance at the previous benefit expressed sympathy for the injured parties, but remained optimistic about the upcoming event. “Two Blood for Blood shows in a month, nice,” remarked Chris Sullivan, a local music lover who went on to add, "Dude, when they play 'Soulless,' I’m going to smash people’s fucking necks in half."

“I think what they're doing is great,” replied Mark Sarno, a Boston musician. “I know I personally windmilled some guy's face to pieces during that last show, and also snapped some asshole's leg in the bathroom when I heard them playing the mosh part from 'Raining Blood.' I heard they’re going to open with 'Hurt You' for this gig---I’m going to bring a sledgehammer, kid---a fuckin’ sledgehammer.”

Mike K., a strong silent type from Charlestown who will be at the benefit told reporters that the underwhelmed security of past Blood for Blood shows should not deter people from coming out to see the band. “Nah, don’t worry about that,” announced K whilst wearing a charming Ben Sherman polo, still stained with blood from the previous gig. "We got, like, three extra security guys we found at the Wellington train station---that should do it.”

The Mayor reiterated the fact that security would be more organized than previous Quincy benefits. “Look, there’s been problems---no doubt about it---but this time will be different. I know that some guy had his head slammed in a car door outside for thirteen straight minutes while Blood for Blood was tuning their guitars, so this time we advise people to park away from the building and not do that.” The Mayor then went on to state, “If they play 'Paper Gangster,' I’m going to straight up murder everyone with a lead pipe.”

But between all the tough guy talk and macho ignorance, the underlying purpose of the upcoming benefit show has Quincy residents hopeful, as it becomes increasingly clear that Quincy is a city that looks out for it's own. If all goes as planned, those who were injured at the last show will receive all the medical care they need at no out-of-pocket expense. Most in need of this medical attention is Jeff Brophy, a well-known socialite from Wollaston, who reportedly received a most vicious spin kick during the breakdown in "Piss All Over Your Hopes and Dreams," resulting in what was described as the "most retardedly disfigured face of all time."

hahaha too brutal

HA!

I'm so pissed that Beakey's work blocked gmail. Also, he and I are working on a rap album.

I like how the benefit show for injured people has nothing but people quoted saying how they're going to hurt more people.

"I know that some guy had his head slammed in a car door outside for thirteen straight minutes while Blood for Blood was tuning their guitars"

hahahahahaha

wow

a little over the top, but funny.
I think I was at the last b4b benefit.

I missed getting kicked in the face repeatably by COA but merge inches as I dropped to the floor.

What's the back story on this?

Or is it all just meant to be funny?

Cause I laughed...

if this is real will be at

Will be there, expecting to get hurt.

Hah, this right down the street from where I live now. This better be real.

No way this show would raise $100k. $10k maybe. But $100k? This isn't real.

Marina Bay promises more diseased whores this summer, less extensive beer selection

In a joint effort between all douchebag bars in the area, Marina Bay has just announced it's plans to do away with over half of their already minimal beer selection in an effort to incorporate up to thirteen new flavors of Smirnoff Ice, the premium malt beverage known for attracting the lascivious underbelly of the female population.

It is this change that Marina Bay hopes will bring in more disease-infected whores, which, in turn, will bring in more money for the taking. From fake tans, to bleached hair, to the hilarious ruptured-cesarean-scar-and-belly-shirt combo, whores will now be able to walk the boardwalk with a plethora of malted flavors at their fingertips.

Tim Johnbone, a North Quincy resident who is currently filing a one-man class action lawsuit against the makers of the motion picture Congo, regularly frequents this supposedly high-end section of Quincy, and has little doubt of the success that the Marina’s new direction will bring.

“It’s a really great idea,” remarked Johnbone. “I come here on the weekends to unwind after a hard week's work. When I'm here, I’m looking for trashbag girls like a bear's looking for honey. There was way too many ‘dude beers’ in these clubs, but now that they're throwing thirteen new flavors of 'Smutty Ice' into these joints, girls are going to be passed out all over the parking lot. A guy like me can really clean up in a situation like this.”

Marina Bay will celebrate their inclusion of the new Smirnoff Ice collection this weekend at the genital wart capital of the world, Water Works. The festivities will include a wet t-shirt contest, several ice luges, a heated game of Twister that no amount of beers could possibly make you feel comfortable participating in, and live performances by unemployed rap legend, Neal Diamondz.

"Yeah, it should be a good time," commented Diamondz, as he casually distracted a group of underage girls by throwing a single 30mg Percocet on the ground. "You thought there was a shitload of whores here before, fuck that, wait until this shit goes down. I'm gonna have whores fucking dripping off me by the time this shit is through. Everyone should come down for this though, it's gonna be a blast. I'm gonna be doing some Misfits covers on the acoustic, and then, after that, I'll bust out some of my token wigga shit. There's a fine line between a punk and a thug, and I am that line. You can quote me on that."

Shortly after the announcement of these plans, a tornado warning was released for Western Massachusetts, causing many people to wonder if the tornado would slowly work it's way east, revealing itself to be God's way of finally ridding the world of the disgusting cesspool of UGG® boots and mini-skirts that has so wrongly been posing as a boating community for so long.

The Scallion FTW.

This is beakey's earth and we are merely visiting

I am LOLing at people thinking this is real for even five seconds.

Must be your credibility rich.

I really wish I actually read that all the way through before my 1st post. Boy do I feel like a horse's patoot.

It's ok. The lord forgives you.

thank you Mike Donnelly

http://beakwilder.blogspot.com/2009/05/cop...lled-record-nine-hundred-times.html

Cops called record nine hundred times in one night due to insane party

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Authorities responded to an overwhelming nine hundred disturbance calls last night when a party in West Quincy took a turn for the worse. The party, which was reportedly still going on since Cinco de Mayo, was raided by a team of seven cops and a handful of recently sleep-deprived neighbors, although backup officers were called to the scene almost immediately after, as it became increasingly clear that they were no match for the horrors found inside.

"We received more calls about this party than the we did the time some disgruntled Zoots employee started launching his own feces at people with a makeshift catapult," said Officer John Steele. "Apparently, the party has been going steady since Cinco de Mayo, which, according to freetranslation.com, was almost two weeks ago to the day. We arrived on the scene at approximately 8:30PM and found what appeared to be two elderly ladies, one of which was violently puking, along with one of the sketchiest dudes I had ever seen in my entire fucking life."

Disturbance calls were still coming into the Quincy Police switchboard at the time of this story. While officers on the scene declined to comment on the nature of the alleged charges being brought against the partygoers, they did inform the Scallion that all retired Quincy Police officers were being asked to come to the location as additional help is sorely needed.

Vice Detective Bill Schwoops, a twenty-year veteran of the force, announced loudly his shock at the event. “This shit is ridiculous! Look at that guy in there!” The unidentified male, who, according to local legend, is rumored to be 180 years old, was repeatedly seen by onlookers doing his signature pose of staring creepily out the main front window. “I swear, I’m quitting this gig tomorrow,” declared Schwoops. “I do not get paid enough to put up with this insanity.”

The three-person party, raging strong after a fortnight, had not only received complaints from neighbors, but from local businesses, as well. Many store owners simply closed down their shops as customers stayed home to avoid any possible contact with the area. Tipsy Bilboburowski, owner of an industrial waste plant two streets over, was overheard to mention that he would shut down his plant for good as it is not clear when, if ever, this outrageous shindig would end.

"This area just isn't what it used to be," remarked Glenn Glynn, an exotic masseuse who has worked at the Finland Steam Baths for the past seven years. "I don't mind watching kids eating acid and smashing OxyContins on the street corner---never have, never will. That just comes with having a business in West Quincy. But when I can't even walk down the street without getting stared down by some absolute creep in a 1970's silk shirt and a can of beer so cheap they don't even sell it at the Brewer's Corner packy, that's when I call it quits. Those cops aren't gonna be able to do shit about that party---it's just been going on too long---it's become too strong. I've seen at least twenty cops go into that place and not a single one of them have come out. The only thing that happens is the party just keeps getting louder. It's like those three are just absorbing the power of anyone who enters."

More on this breaking story as it unfolds. Until then, the Scallion recommends that all passersby avoid going anywhere near West Quincy, and, at the very least, stay the fuck out of that godforsaken house.

this is amazing, MOAR

Beakey should do spoken word, he would slay Rollins or Biafra easily

This shit rules - it's like The Onion on crack.