There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus," said the photographer.
YET AGAIN - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "Me first!"

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

why does divorce cost so much money


cuz its worth it

little jewish boy goes to his father and says "papa, may i borrow five dollars please?"
the father replies "four dollars? what do you need three dollars for?"




what's the difference between st. pattys day and martin luther king day?
everyone wishes they were irish on st. pattys day