What does a pizza delivery guy and a gynacologist have in common?
They both can smell it but can't eat it.

A man walks in the house with a lamb in his arms. He says," this is the pig I fuck." His wife says that's not a pig that's a lamb.
The man says, " I was talking to the lamb."

A mammographer has three women come into his office.
He asks the first woman to take off her shirt, there's a Y on her chest.
The dr. says why is there a Y on ur chest? She says cuz her husband went to Yale and likes her to wear his sweater when they make love.
The second girl has a H on her chest again the dr asks.
She said her husband went to Harvard and likes her to wear his sweater as well.
The third woman has an M on her chest, the dr says let me guess ur husband went to Michigan.
She said no but my girlfriend went to Wisconsin.

Last but not least

What does a 9 volt battery and ur gf's ass have in common?















U know u shouldn't but u put ur tongue on it anyway

ok, that last one made me lol.

HAHAHA

The last one was priceless.

why did all the black people move to detroit??




cuz they heard they were no jobs their

haha

All closets are walk in closets, if u try hard enough

Some music jokes for you...

how d'ya know a singer is knocking at the door ?
he never has the key and doesn't know when to come in

how many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
10, one to actually do it and 9 others to stand by watching, arms folded, thinking "i could have done that so much better"

what d'ya call a beautiful woman on a bass player's arm ?
a tatoo

how many singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
one, he just holds it up to the socket and lets the world revolve around him ...

what has 9 arms and really sucks ?
def leppard

why is ginger baker like macdonalds coffe ?
they both suck without cream

Joshtruction said: "What has 9 arms and really sucks ?
def leppard"

Haa YES

don't forget the classic music joke:

What do you call someone that hangs out with musicians?
A Drummer

al sharpton

No Awol, You are wrong. He is there for the comic relief "Rim Shot"

how do you know when the stage is level?

the bassist is drooling out both sides of his mouth

wrong, the answer is "a singer"

and "how many singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?"
the answer I heard was 19.
one to do it and 18 to be on the guestlist.

http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/

Now that page is awesome. Some of the jokes you actually have to know about music to understand, like this:

How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo"

what does the drummer say when he steps up to the microphone?

would you like fries with that?

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins

Women's rights

what do michael jackson and walmart have in common?
little boys pants half off

what do michael jackson and mcdonalds have in common?
40 year old meat between 12 year old buns

what do most people have to say to michael jackson when they see him at the beach?

excuse me sir, you're in my son. (works better when said, since sun and son...well yeah you get it. bah)

what do michael jackson and caviar have in common?

they're both black and come on little crackers.

what do micheal jackson and tuna fish have in common?

they both come in little cans.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
- Humpa-sore-ass

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
- licka-lota-puss

What do blacks and gays have in common?
- They both hate bush

How do you get a nun pregnant?
- Dress her up as an altar boy

How do you know when its time for church?
- The big hand is on the Little hand

A baptist minister, a rabbi, and a catholic priest are on the Titanic as its sinking. "Save the women and children" shouts the minister. "Fuck the children" shouts the rabbi, to which the catholic priest responds, "Do you think we have time?"

How does Abdul the shepherd find his sheep in the long grass?
- very pleasing

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
- because sheep can hear zippers

what do you call the numb area around the penis?
- the woman's head

What do you call the useless piece of skin surrounding a vagina?


a woman.

MORE JOKES

What do you call a musician without a significant other?
Homeless

There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

a business man is married to a nymphomaniac, and he's going on a long business trip. he goes to the local adult store and asks for something that will hold her over while he's gone so she doesn't fuck the neighbors. the clerk says, "come with me, i've got just what you need," and takes the man down a long hallway. he unlocks a room with nothing but a gold box on a single shelf. the clerk unlocks the box and says "behold, the voodoo dick!"

the business man says "that looks like a regular dildo...what makes it so special??"
the clerk says "voodoo dick, the door!!!!" the voodoo dick flies to the door and starts penetrating a hole in the door.
so the business man says "alright, i'll take it!"

he returns home and explains to his wife that the voodoo dick will fuck anything you tell it to.

the man leaves for his business trip, and his wife starts getting horny. so she gets the voodoo dick and says "voodoo dick, my pussy!" the voodoo dick went right to work, giving her the time of her life. after an hour or so she was getting tired and sore. she tried pulling it out but it wouldn't work. she paniced, and got in her car to go to the hospital.

the woman was driving all over the road, speeding, running red lights...a cop pulls her over and says "ma'am, are you drunk or high or something???!!!"
the woman exclaims "it's the voodoo dick! it's stuck in my pussy!! i can't get it out!"
with a look of disbelief on his face, the cop says "voodoo dick my ass."

i never realized how long that joke was until i had to type it. arg.

billy and his grandfather went on a fishing trip one day. after a few hours, billy started getting hungry. he saw that grampa had a sandwich, so he asked, "grampa, can i have a bite of your sandwich please?"

grampa says, "i don't know, can your dick touch your ass?"
billy replies, sadly, "no grampa."

another hour goes by, and billy is getting thirsty. he sees that grampa is drinking a soda, so he asks, "grampa, may i please have a sip of your soda?"

grampa says again, "i don't know, can your dick touch your ass?"
and billy replies again, "no grampa."

another hour or so goes by and billy is starting to reel in all sorts of fish. grampa looks over to him and says, "hey billy, can i borrow some of the bait you're using?"

billy says "i don't know grampa, can your dick touch your ass?"
grampa replies, "yes, it does."
billy then says, "well go fuck yourself"

Ya jokes are def. longer on paper

There were women waiting in a doctor's office.

They started talking and one women said, "I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom last time and I had a girl. I was on the bottom again this time so I'm going to have another girl."

One of the other ladies said, "I'm going to have a boy, I was on the top."

The last lady started to cry.
The two other ladies asked, "Why are you crying?"
She replied, "I'm going to have puppies!!!

Why do husbands usually die before their wives?









































































They want to.

three homeless guys are sitting outside of an apartment building and see a woman walk by with some groceries and go into her apartment.

first guy says "man im hungry, im gonna ask that lady if she'll give us some food. he walks in, and asks the lady, she says "sure, but you'll have to have sex with me", he agrees and she pulls down her pants. he looks down and sees her vagina is covered in mucus, cobwebs, slime etc., he says no thanks and walks out.

second guy walks in, asks the same question, she agrees with the same terms, he looks down and sees mucus, slime, puke, etc., he walks out.

third guy walks in, same question, she agrees and drops her pants. he says "okay... but under one condition, you have to close your eyes.", she does. he then goes to the bag of groceries and grabs an ear of corn and works it inside her for a bit, she's getting into hit, he's going at it for a bit, gets so into it throws the corn out the window and grabs another one. finally she gets off and she opens her eyes and says "that was great, take all of the groceries", so excitedly he throws the other piece of corn out the window, grabs the grooeries and walks out.

he looks at the other two guys and says "guys i did it", and the other two says "nah man, we're all set, we just ate some barbecued corn"

why don't women need driver's licenses?

cuz you don't need a car to get from the kitchen to the bedroom


ooooohhhhhhhh

a man is going down on a prostitute and he finds a piece of carrot. he says to himself "the hell with it, i already payed for it", and he continues.

a few minutes later he finds a piece of lettuce, he looks up at her and says "hey lady, what are you sick or something?"

she says "no, but the guy before you was"

a plane is about to crash, and everyone on board is panicing. one woman stands up in the front of the plane and yells "i've never been treated like a real woman! if there is any man on this plane that can treat me like a REAL woman, stand up and face me right now!!!"

one tall, dark, handsome man in the back stands up and starts walking towards her. she starts getting excited as he walks to the front of the plane, unbuttoning his shirt as he walks. as soon as he gets to her, his shirt is off and the woman is practically panting. the man leans in, hands her his shirt and whispers in her ear...."hear. wash this."

AAAAAHHHHHH!!

That was nasty.

ConquerTheBaphomet said:

Referring to the corn joke.

last one before i go back to work... i was told this one when i was in the 7th grade...

what goes better on a pie than a pussy?













crust.

There was this woman at a beach who was a quadrpalegic.
This man walks by and she asks him to put sun tan lotion on her, so he does.
She then asks may I have a hug I've never really been hugged before, so he gives in and gives her a hug.
Then she asks may I have a kiss, I've never realy been kissed before, he finds it rather odd but feels bad for her so he leans in and kisses her.
Then she asks him can we fuck I've never been fucked before. He says whoa ma'am that's a little too much.
She goes please I want to know what it feels like. He sits there for a second. Picks her up and then throws her in the ocean.
He yells out "NOW YOU'RE FUCKED"

MarkFuckingRichards said:

i was gonna tell that one! BOOOOO!

haha, i win!

a couple classics

what do you do when the dishwasher stops working?
smack the bitch

what do you call a chick with two black eyes?
a slow learner

What do all battered women have in common?
*while punching hand*THEY JUST DON'T LISTEN

it def. has more effect when watching someone say it while punching their hand

atthehaunted said:

I lol'd at this one.

Why did Hitler kill himself?




































He saw the gas bill.

Why does Harlem have so many trees?

Public transportation.

Why do shower heads have 11 holes?

Because jews have 10 fingers.

A priest and a rabbi are walking past a playground.
The priest says "Hey, let's go fuck those kids over there"
The rabbi replies "Fuck 'em out of what?"

haha

Who was the best Jewish cook?

Hitler