These are but a few of the things I would accomplish with my abnormally sized tally whacker. Feel free to add more if you feel inspired. You can thank Pam for this.

If I had Elephantitis of the cock I would:

- Beat random children with it.

- Kill Small animals.

- Kill children. Especially ones that arent being watched by their retarded parents in malls and grocery stores.

- Beat my wife at random with it.

- Kill my wife with it. Probably when she's sleeping.

- Stop elevator doors with it.

- Help little old ladies across the street with it.

- Kill little old ladies with it.

- Bang it on the table really hard when I'm trying to make a serious point in an argument.

- Chase retards with it. Beat em, kill em, etc etc.

- Stop a rotating door with it and trap someone in there just to be a dick.

- Play baseball.

- Make copies of it in the xerox machine and leave them on my boss' desk.

- Pretend it's not really there and knock shit off people's tables when I walk past them.

- Hit people in the face with it when I try to get by them in the movie theatre.

- Masturbate in public and laugh the most evil diabolical laugh I can muster while I spray my shit all over random peoples faces.

- Knock on doors with it. Especially my boss'.

- Try to shake people's hands with it when I meet them.

- Stand eight feet from the urinal when I take a piss.

- Try to pick things up with it.

- Tattoo King Diamond's face on the head.

- Name it "The King".

- Tap people on the shoulder with it.

- Bang it on the keyboard, email whatever I "typed" to a friend and tell him what it was later on.

- Direct traffic.

- Try to answer the phone with it.

- Rape nuns.

- Push my grocery cart with it.

- Kill Paris Hilton with it.

- Get it as close to people as I possibly can while Im talking to them. Especially random people I ask for directions.

- Demand anal sex constantly.

- Rule the world.

Thats all I can think of for now.

- Dig post holes with it.

I miss the Voodoo Glow Skulls

that was definately a good laugh

you forgot

-Knock George W Bush the fuck out with it

rent it out at the beach for banana boat rides

spin plates on it at local talent shows!

enter it in log rolling contests

- Smack peoples hands out of the way with it in the buffet line.

- Show it to the pope.

- Pay whores to suck on it just to watch them struggle.

- Crash weddings and stick it in the cake.

- Hang it out of my window while I'm driving and let it flop in the wind.

- Pretend it tells me things.

- Let it hang out in public and just stare at people.

- Immedeiately get a job as a pornstar.

- Go to church just so I can poke people in the ass on their way to receive communion.

- Let it flop on the passenger sitting next to me and pretend not to notice.

- Strangle someone with it.

Place it in the passenger seat so you can use the HOV lane.

Have firefighters use it to put out infernos.

-Use it in limbo contests as the poll.

-Jump rope with it.

-Tempt female elephants with it at the zoo.

YESSS!!! I was looking forward to this!

paint it red and white and hang outside the barber shop

Stick it in a Sub roll and convince Subway to feature it in an ad.

Have chicks fist my urethra.

Target practice with it.

attach a large flashlight to it to guide in ships at night!

paint king diamond's likeness on it?

Christraper said:

my bad

damn right its your bad. happy birthday bitchmonkey.

understudy for Orca at SeaWorld

Shamoo

decorate it with ribbons and let pagan chicks maypole dance with it

dancin round the jaypole. I would be all over it! silly socks and everything.

Yes thats actually me smiling in the center of the photo

Christraper said:

nice tights

youre just jealous

- Take a picture and turn it into an Absolut Vodka ad

"Absolut Cahk"

i thought you were christ raper

while he's at work, he is the mild mannered Chris Traper.

how about using it as some sort of lawn ornament? perhaps a sprinkler? super soaker? hee hee hee

A better idea would be an "If I had hentai tenticles insead of a cock" thread.

SLIP N SLIDE!

i would use it to fuck myself in the ass
i would clog the toilet and call a plumber to fix the clog
i would get put in prison just to fuck big black bubbba
i would smash it with a hammer until it blead
i would get into gay films just to see what man wanted it
i would put a wheel on it and use it as a unicycle

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WAREHOUSE. RECENTLY, I WAS APPROACHED BY QUITE A LUCIOUS LOOKING LADY PERSON. HER BINDING BUST FIGURE IMMEDIATLY FORCED MY TWITCHING GARGANTUAN MAN CANNON TO RAPIDLY EXPAND TO DIVINE ELEPHANTINE DIMENSIONS. THE LADY IN QUESTION, WHOSE BEAUTY WAS ONLY MATCHED BY THAT OF MY COLLOSSAL DOWNSTAIRS DOWEL, WAS ASTOUNDED AND THUS PROCEEDED TO STARE INTENTLY AT MY INTENSIFYINGLY TITANTIC LUST LOG OF INFINITE SEXUAL DESIRE AS IT OBILTERATED MY FINE UNDERWEAR AND TROUSERS CUNNINGLY CONSTRUCTED BY MY DIGNIFIED CHAIN OF RETAILERS. SHE WAS SO FLABBERGASTED AT THE SHEER SIZE AND GRANDEUR OF MY MAGNIFICENT AND IMPRESSIVE ZIMMER BATON THAT I UNDRESSED HER FINE SKIRT AND UNDERWEAR GARMENTS WITH MY PSYCOKINETIC EYES AND SLAMMED MY GIANT OMINOUS VEINY WHALE INTO THE CREVACE OF HER ORIFICE AND DISCHARGED AN ARMY OF MINITURE DAPPER ALBINO BOSNIANS TO COAT THE INSIDES OF HER ANAL CAVITY WITH ONLY THE FINEST SMELLING ZIMMER PROTEIN PACKED PENILE PRODUCE. ONCE I HAD FINISHED WITH THE PUPPYLIKE WHORE, I STAMPED MY NOW ALMOST FLACID STOPCOCK OF JOY AGAINST THE GROUND AND CHARGED INTO THE NIGHT SKY WITH THE ROCKET FUEL OF A THOUSAND GODS TO CONTINUE MY CRUSADES OF MEAT CLOBBERIN'. I GUARANTEE IT.

the_taste_of_cigarettes said:

eeee gads are you serious... i could never listen to that guys voice

He's got a super-phallic, non-metallic, one ginormous pecker
Big and round, hangs to the ground, it's a pussy wrecker
He's real proud and hollers loud, to any girl who wants the
Super-phallic, non-metallic, one-eyed fuckin' monster

Christraper said:

awesome

AH! I remember this! Awesome.