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returntothepit >> discuss >> HOW TO POOP AT WORK by the_reverend on Sep 21,2005 1:44pm
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toggletoggle post by the_reverend   at Sep 21,2005 1:44pm
HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival
Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in
a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If
you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If
you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear
it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OFSHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an
Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet
Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will
reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in
a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If
you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop
in peace.

WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-cough with an
Astaire.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait
to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees.



toggletoggle post by succubus  at Sep 21,2005 1:47pm
dammit! you beat me to it..i was gonna make this thread but i was busy waiting for a veggie burger that never came
*sigh*



toggletoggle post by RustedAngel at Sep 21,2005 1:52pm
hahahahahahahahahha the CAMO COUGH, so true.



toggletoggle post by the_reverend   at Sep 21,2005 1:55pm
I flyby all the time...



toggletoggle post by RustedAngel at Sep 21,2005 2:08pm
the_reverend said:
I flyby all the time...


me too, except for last week.

I was driving to work from MA last week and had to poop the entire way. It started off with stomach cramps then eventually it was the worst bowel movement I have ever experienced. I could almost not even hold it in while I was driving and was late for work so I couldn't pull over. I had to pinch the cheeks with all my strength (which isn't much!) and god damn, I finally arrived at work in which I have to climb 5 flights of stairs. Let me tell you I've never been so afraid in my life fearing I was going to lose it all with each step. By the time I reached the bathroom someone was in 1 of the 3 stalls, 1 stall is broken, my only option was to pick the one where the door has no latch. I didn't care, I busted in and put my backpack on the floor to hold the door shut. I then let it all free into the cool waters despite someone being in the next stall. Relieved at last.

Aaron, I think it's time to post this in the poop journal......



toggletoggle post by BobNOMAAMRooney nli at Sep 21,2005 2:12pm
When I worked at a video store I would just be like "Oh man I gotta take a shit!" and spend half an hour on the clock playing my GBA, making fart noises with my mouth whenever a manager tried to get me back to the front.



toggletoggle post by cdan nli at Sep 21,2005 2:13pm
i'm usually all about the crop duster...although lots of times i'm too lazy to get up and just rip at my desk. then, of course, my boss comes right up to me, so I jump up in a panic and run to meet him halfway, only to carry more of my stink cloud with me.



toggletoggle post by babyshakernotlogged at Sep 21,2005 2:15pm
haha the astair i do this all teh time when someone walks in although the place i work at now has a one man bathroom its sweet to be able to crap in peace at work



toggletoggle post by the_reverend   at Sep 21,2005 2:16pm
EXACTLY!
dan knows it.



toggletoggle post by the_reverend   at Sep 21,2005 2:17pm
they missed the ones that you let go into your chair at work and then 30 minutes later when you stand up... oi.. it's like getting hit in the face with rotten cabage.



toggletoggle post by Aegathis  at Sep 21,2005 2:21pm
I always just waited for the hand dryer to go off which would be quite frequent. That was loud enough to cover. I dont think this was at work though probably at work. I never experienced this while doing irrgation work for my dad but one of my friends that worked with me quite often just went in the woods, while sitting on an open sprinkler valve box.



toggletoggle post by cdan nli at Sep 21,2005 2:29pm
another excellent strategy is to wait until somebody else flushes, and just let it rip during that 3-5 second interval.

also, regarding farts, I usually let out a "tester", to get a flavor of the stench level before full release, very effective when you're on a plane. of course this sometimes backfires and instead shit water squirts out.



toggletoggle post by the_reverend   at Sep 21,2005 2:34pm
the asian kid at my work, leo, always shows up with in a minute of a fart.
that kid's got a nose for that shit.



toggletoggle post by swamplorddvm  at Sep 21,2005 2:38pm
I had a chick sitting on my lap when I sneezed and farted at the same time. It was funny.



toggletoggle post by cdan nli at Sep 21,2005 2:41pm
my boss is definitely an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. always brings magazines and reports into the shitter and "brainstorms" ...then emerges with notes written on toilet paper...which he then inserts into people's mailboxes



toggletoggle post by cdan nli at Sep 21,2005 2:43pm
furthermore, there is an old lady at work that does typing for us, and she farts out loud while engaged in conversation with people. she always brightens up my day.



toggletoggle post by Jesus_Slaves  at Sep 21,2005 3:18pm
or you can be like me and not give a fuck and stink the place up.



toggletoggle post by cdan nli at Sep 21,2005 3:55pm
that's too easy. you have to play the rules of poo ettiquette. much more fun.



toggletoggle post by soloman   at Sep 21,2005 4:03pm
i crop dust and astaire all the time.



toggletoggle post by soloman   at Sep 21,2005 4:04pm
there are times when u just have to stink it up though. i had diarrhea last week, and this dude came in and started brushing his teeth while i was doing my business. When i finished he was still there and said to me, "Your sure lit up the place in here." It's true, i did. Courtesy flushing and spraying the deoderizer didn't do a thing.



toggletoggle post by cdan nli at Sep 21,2005 4:21pm
i bet you leave clumps of your ass hair all over the seat too...you dirty hairy little man.



toggletoggle post by davefromthegrave  at Sep 21,2005 5:49pm
the_reverend said:

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.



I have to do this all the time. it sucks because I work in a restaurant. Well, sucks for the customers anyway.



toggletoggle post by davefromthegrave  at Sep 21,2005 5:50pm
soloman said:
there are times when u just have to stink it up though. i had diarrhea last week, and this dude came in and started brushing his teeth while i was doing my business. When i finished he was still there and said to me, "Your sure lit up the place in here." It's true, i did. Courtesy flushing and spraying the deoderizer didn't do a thing.


I CAN'T STAND smelling shit while brushing my teeth. it makes me want to vomit.



toggletoggle post by fuckfacejones at Sep 21,2005 5:54pm
when i have to spray mud (havanaomelet) i normally try to cover the loud noise with a courtesy flush...



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