Man Struck and Killed by Volkswagen Bug

Chelmsford, Massachusetts

Assuck, 18, was struck and killed by a Volkswagen Bug, driven by 17 year old Chad Farnsworth while walking down Route 110 in Chelmsford.

Said Farnsworth, "I hit him really, really hard."

But young Assuck wasn't done yet.

"After I hit him," said Farnsworth, "I pulled over and got out to check the damage to my car, because my parents would be pissed if I (expletive) it up, y'know? But he got up and started calling me a fag."

A witness described Assuck as "irate."

"He got up, looked at the driver, and called him a fag. I think his words were 'What kind of a fag drives a Volkswagen Bug? You (expletive) (expletive) faget."

But that's not all.

"He then proceeded to throw his innards, which had been scattered around the scene from the force of the impact, at Farnsworth, until finally collapsing and dying" in front of many horrified on-lookers who had stopped to see what was going on, said Chelmsford Police Chief Charles McCusker. "You don't see something like this everyday."

Assuck's family could not be reached for comment.

A memorial statue will be built in the center of town in his honor. The inscription will read simply "In Loving Memory of Assuck".

"It's the least we can do," said McCusker, closing his statement to the press. "It's a sad, sad day for the town of Chelmsford."

Funeral services will be held Sunday, February 6th at the St. Mary's Church in downtown Chelmsford at 12:00.

Who will carry the torch for practical jokes and vandalism in Chelmsford?

hahahahahahaha. this is awesome.

rip assuck. long live killer kadoogan.

does this mean he's not doing backup vocals on the Dissector cd or are they already recorded?

that's fucking great

my grandslam was supposed to come with sausage.

That rules

"The inscription will read simply In loving memory of assuck"

hahahahaha

KillerKadoogan said:

I'm petitioning the town to build the statue as a 30' likeness of donkey kong

that is a hilarious mental picture

you're a good man, eric braunschweiger

i figure we could get it to be built where that big monument is in the common where all the highschool fags get their pic taken for the prom...so all the chs prom pics will have a big donkey kong with a speach bubble saying "in loving memory of ASSUCK"

haha a speech bubble

genius

i will sign said petition

ill type it up today

who else would sign said petition

i can't believe you were that bored that you took the time to come up with that. fag.

hey man...its your gene pool

holy shit ben you need work guy!

haha this is what happens when i'm stuck at home for more than a couple of hours at a time

I see nothing wrong with it and encourage this sort of tomfoolry. ben cracks me up.

I second that. That obituary had me chuckling all day

thats just because you arent around me all the time

these guys are sick of my shenanigans

The donkey kong statue idea sounded like encouragement to me

yea, but eric punched me in the kidneys at practice yesterday

dont let him deceive you

I still think that was one of the best posts all day

at least some of us derived amusement from it

remember: Defunct Purulent Language

i only hope to bring joy to the hearts of children everywhere

awwwwww

joy to the hearts of children by flinging innards

Kidney punches? thats nothin. Youre lucky if you dont get stabbed at my band practices. I almost got my fingers chopped of with an axe once when we were recording. Satan John was swinging it around like an idiot and got my hand pretty good. I was bleeding all over my fucking guitar when i was supposed to be recording a solo. fun fun fun.

Now I know your practices are more exciting than mine

There isn't enough violence at hekeri practices

i never realized how lucky i was to get pucnhed in the kidneys every other day

thank you eric, for making me a stronger person

yea you gotta work your way up to getting kicked in the nads every day

i gotta turn my retardedness up to 11

Why not make 10 more retarded then turn up to 10?

i think i may already be at 10

but what i could do is make 10 into 7, and go to 8, that way i dont need to make any adjustments in the near future

paganmegan said:

........but his goes to 11.....